Establishing a character is important in a story. We’ve all read those books or watched movies with 20 similar characters—it’s confusing. This makes the story less engaging. It can also ruin the big twist at the end:
“Who is that?”
“That’s Snoopy. Charlie Brown’s dog.”
“The one who was flying in a doghouse plane a minute ago? He’s the Great Pumpkin?”
But I digress.
When we’re establishing characters in the melodramas of our own life, we might take less tact than Dostoevsky or Martin Scorsese. Our need to establish a person as a character can start an adverse relationship.
When we’re starting a conversational relationship with someone, many of us take the approach of a caterpillar (more on this below), but it’s also very uncomfortable to be an Alice.
“Who are You?” said the Caterpillar
This was not an encouraging open for a conversation. Alice replied rather shyly, “I—I hardly know, Sir, just at present—at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have changed several times since then.”
“What do you mean by that?” said the Caterpillar, sternly. “Explain yourself!”
“I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly,” Alice replied, very politely, “for I can’t understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.”
In times of transition or disappointment, the straightforward question of “who are you?” can send us into a tailspin.
In our American, work-focused culture, we have softened the question slightly from the Caterpillar in Wonderland.
What do you do?
It usually reduces someone to how they pay the bills. It’s not always a kind way to engage with someone. It also likely leads to rather dull conversations. Stories about jobs are often like stories about “that one time at a party”— more interesting to the narrator than to the audience.
I came up with a different question when I managed a lot of college-aged, hourly workers. These young adults often get asked if they’re in school. If the answer is anything other than yes, you’re starting on the wrong foot. It also always leads back to the caterpillar question, what are you doing with your life? Who are you?
I would ask, “Outside of this job, how do you like to spend your time?”
First, this keeps people from having to justify where they are currently in their life. It also led to a lot more interesting answers.
“I am working to become a DJ.”
“I take care of my kid and my Mom’s kid.”
“I’m waiting until I turn 21 to pursue professional poker.”
This beginning of the “How do you spend your time?” conversation can lead in many directions. And if you steer away from the existential follow-ups, this can lead to a genuine connection.
Here are the follow-ups to avoid:
“What’s your plan here?”
“Have you thought about doing this?”
“I have a cousin who wants to do this. Is it similar to what you want to do?”
I certainly want to avoid being the Caterpillar or being forced into a corner like Alice. As with Alice, it’s tough out there when you’re trying on new sizes.
“You,” said the Caterpillar contemptuously. “Who are you?”
Which brought them back to the beginning of the conversation.