Hey, Sitcom Advice, I owned the Ice Cream Bros. shop with a friend named Barry. Barry tried to expand our brand but overzealously collapsed our business. He’s about to start a new venture – making chocolate – without me. I’m furious that Barry’s just moving on as if he didn’t cause our problems. What should I do?
—Parker, Not Sarah Jessica
Jay: Hey, Parker, you should never think about Barry again. His last scheme didn’t work out. The next one probably won’t work out either. It’s time for you to move on. Holding onto resentments poisons you; it doesn’t do anything to your former partner. The best revenge is living well. I gave that advice to Gene once, and he said, “Too late for that,” but I don’t think Gene’s ever happier after his revenge schemes. Don’t worry, Gene’s scheme is below.
Eliza: This Barry thinks he can move on from ice cream to chocolate without you? It’s time to get petty—as petty as possible. You need to buy the store right next to him out of spite. Make a spite store like Larry David did. Do everything you can to run this guy out of business. Sell chocolate for half price. Offer huge discounts. Do anything you can to get rid of this store. Then, you can move on with your life once Barry’s store is gone.
Gene: This guy wants to start a new business after ruining your joint venture? We need to take it a step further than Eliza suggested. You don’t just want to compete. You need revenge. Such a scheme will require espionage, sabotage, and leaking rumors to the press. Make this Barry guy feel it. Make him wonder how it could ever go so wrong. Alienate him from everyone else until the only person he can come to is you. Then, when he’s begging for help, you’ll have vengeance! You’ll have respect! You’ll have one less chocolate shop in town!
Kenny: The question you need to ask is how you contributed to the downfall of your business. What could you have done differently? Why did you trust this guy in the first place? Don’t worry about Barry; worry about you. Did you not want it badly enough? Did you like running an ice cream shop but not a business? You can only explore this path if you hike into the wilderness for 40 days, follow Coldplay around the country, or go on a silent meditation retreat. When you have your answer, you will be free of your anger. And only then, my friend, will you be free.
About Sitcom Advice: This column takes the idea that four classic troupe characters in comedy play out repeatedly. These four troupes are the patriarch, the matriarch, the clown and the professor. Using shows like Seinfeld, Arrested Development and How I Met Your Mother, we explore Sitcom Advice from these four lenses.