One award season still haunts the Nielson’s—2009.
While the Oscars and Golden Globes have always been irrelevant to the members of the household, the Nielson’s hold their own annual award ceremony. The award is called the Nielson’s, and it’s a big event in their circle. The family hosts friends and neighbors in their decorated basement, where everyone dresses up. Jim Nielson, the award show’s founder, hosts with a monologue roasting the attendees, just like at the real awards shows.
Walter was 18 in 2009. It was during his peak movie-going years. Now, he rarely goes to the movies and his two kids vote for the Nielson awards.
“Some of my favorite all-time movies came out in the summer of 2009. I still watch Adventureland, 500 Days of Summer and Up in the Air.” Walter said, “You want to know what won best picture for the Nielson’s? Paul Blart: Mall Cop.”
From what I can remember, without looking anything up, Paul Blart: Mall Cop was a slapstick comedy starring King of Queens actor Kevin James. Criminals take over Kevin James’ mall and he has to save it. Mall Cop sets Home Alone-style traps, gets stuck in air vents and experiences other general Looney Tunes hijinks.
The Paul Blart decision still haunts Walter. It was his fourth-place vote in the category, but that was enough to skew the results in a wild year.
“Part of it was my fault. I was dating someone who loved Twilight, so it got my vote, which really shook up the results.”
Walter’s sister, Maddy, also tilted the results. “I was obsessed with G.I. Joe and I have no idea why. So the sequel to G.I. Joe won best action movie.”
“The kids’ movie category was loaded, too,” Maddy added. “Princess and the Frog and Up both came out that year. Some movie I don’t even remember watching that year won. It was called Monsters vs. Aliens.”
The judges now all admit they got it wrong. Linda, the kids’ Mom, was the only person who didn’t vote for Paul Blart. However, she thinks it’s a good reminder that award shows capture a moment in time rather than an all-time great list. It took her about 15 minutes to make this point so I won’t include the quote.
In the Nielson’s basement, they hang award plaques for every year. The plaque for 2009 went missing for a couple of years but turned up in Walter’s garage.
“For a while, I think the Twilight fiasco colored Walter’s perception,” Jim Nielson, the host and Walter’s father, said. “Walter had a bad breakup with that girl.”
Walter has a different take.
“Sometimes my kids wanted to watch movies on this plaque,” Walter said. “I didn’t want to be reminded of our mistakes that year.”
Walter even tried to end the awards but was outvoted by everyone else in the family. Walter is now happy the Nielson Awards continue.
“It’s funny now,” Walter said. “I finally agreed to rewatch Paul Blart: Mall Cop with my kids. Everyone enjoyed it. It holds up!”