“Hello, welcome to customer service,” said a man in a suit, who welcomed Mic. Like a game show host, the greeter held a microphone and gave off the vibe that cameras were watching them as he announced. “We have four customer service experiences to best match your preferences. Let’s walk through your options now.”
The game show host led Mic to desk one, where a woman stood in a floral-patterned shirt, surrounded by pictures of cat memes. “Desk one features the church picnic experience. You’ll find polite customer service with the undertone of judgmental comments from the agent.”
As they moved along to desk two, Mic saw a man in what looked like a horse jockey uniform leaning over the desk as if his horse might jump out of the starting gate at any moment. “At desk two, we have the express train. Here you’ll find yourself in a whirlwind of service. We will solve your problem, but you will feel so rushed that you might have to lie down afterward.”
Desk three featured what looked like a surf shack. The woman behind the counter was lounging back in her chair, wearing sunglasses and looking as if she might be asleep. The host continued, “Here you’ll find the Vibes experience. Is the rep stoned? We don’t know, but that’s the kind of customer service you can expect.”
Finally, they moved to desk four. The desk area felt more like a kitchen, with homey phrases on the wall, and a farmhouse-style of decoration. A man stood in front of the desk, wearing an apron and smiling. “Finally, this is the apple pie experience. Let us get to know you before we get to help you. You’ll feel like you’re one of the family.”
The host stepped back and looked at Mic. “It’s time to choose. What customer service experience would you like?”
Mic replied, “Is there an online option?”