“It’s time for the office Halloween parade!” Travers, the office head, shouted from the conference room into the hallway where his employees waited. To boost morale, the office made the contest mandatory. All the workers could do was wait in their “work-themed” costumes and listen to their boss.
“Our first contestant is Steve. Steve is wearing a shirt with a picture of a stapler. What does it say under the stapler? “Steve’s Stapler.” Well, I guess you had to make the shirt, Steve. That’s some effort. Go sit down. No, you don’t get to go back in the hallway after… Yeah, sit down.”
All the other employees stood in the hall, waiting their turn to enter the conference room. Since everyone in the office had to participate, no one sat in the conference room at the start of the contest.
“Next up, we have Marie, dressed in a yellow shirt with glasses. Marie! You’re Dwight from the office. We said no IP this year! Didn’t you read the—I get that you already own the shirt from last year. No, you’re disqualified… I don’t know if there’s a prize.”
Travers’ narration seemed to have no real purpose. Maybe it was for the people in the hall or maybe for an inter-office podcast. Was there a video camera? No one was sure. As often happened in the office, no one had thought through the logistics.
“Who is that? They have a house covering their face. A cardboard house. Oh, it’s Carol. Carol, what are you? Work from home? We don’t allow work from home. Oh, so you’re making some kind of statement. COVID was years ago!”
The costumed people in the office all looked at each other. Travers arguing with everyone about their costumes did not bode well for the rest of them.
“Phil, why are you a Starbucks worker? Oh, you’re an intern, because I only let the interns get coffee… Haha, that’s hilarious, Phil. And maybe the right idea. Have we tried making a coffee shop worker an intern? They’d know how to do most of the job.”
“Next up is Clara. Are you on a cruise? Why do you have a parrot on your shoulder… What do I always say? Apparently, folks, she’s “it’s five o’clock somewhere.” Do I say that a lot? I do not say that at every lunch meeting… When was the last time I drank at lunch? Oh, I guess… And yeah, there was… Go sit down!”
The costumed employees smiled at each other. The looks turned to exasperation as Pat entered the room.
“Pat’s costume is a shirt with a red-letter A,” Travers said, his voice slowing as he repeated the words everyone in the office knew were coming. “Pat says the A stands for adultery because they’re having an affair… Oh, not this again, Pat. No, I don’t want to know if it’s someone from work. Don’t make me send this contest to HR.”
There was a short pause, and some yelling that couldn’t be heard on the mic. Then the action continued.
“Brooke, you have a giant keycard around your neck. It says, “Access Denied.” Oh, you’re Colton’s keycard. Yes, I fired Colton but forgot to tell him, and then his keycard didn’t work. That was funny. Thanks for bringing back that memory!”
A few more contestants went through, and even Travers seemed bored with this parade. Then Terry walked in.
“Terry, you gave yourself the “Cornhole King” nickname. It was one happy hour. You made one shot. Let it go. We’re not going to call you that… Alright everyone, Terry is dressed up as the “Cornhole King”. Really great stuff.”
Finally, Ned, the last contestant, entered the room. The room was full of people sitting in conference chairs facing the front. Travers sat in a chair by the door with his mic. He wore a pumpkin costume that bunched up as he sat.
“Ned, you’re just in a suit,” Travers said.
“I’m dressed up for work,” Ned said. “We never dress up.”
“This shows no effort,” Travers said.
“It took more effort than you wearing a pumpkin,” Ned replied. “How is that even work-themed?”
“I’m the host of the Halloween parade!” Travers said, and before anyone could argue, he added, “Alright, let’s go downstairs to the bar. It’s five o’clock somewhere!”