Oliver is on a mission to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He is trying various career options and then reporting back on what he finds. Oliver recounts his experience as an HR professional.
Given my new interest in writing, a friend suggested I join his team as the HR manager. This job seemed really easy. The friend never wrote down any rules and seemed to be having problems with employees. He needed policies.
I spent a week gathering the best of what AI, the Internet and Thriving in the Workplace for Dummies had to offer.
I created a beautiful, touching HR handbook. It stated precisely how long every lunch break should be and where people could eat.
I wrote strict rules about all of the procedures to prevent harassment. I discussed what you should do if your boss doesn’t appreciate you. I even covered what to do if a coworker says something questionable in a meeting.
Thrilled with the results, I gave the book to my friend. He loved the 75-page illustrated handbook and printed copies out for everyone.
I considered it a job well done, so I closed my office door, turned on ESPN, and lounged while devouring some buffalo wings.
There was a knock on my door. I said, “Hold on,” through a mouthful of food, but the guy couldn’t understand me and came in. I had wing sauce all over my face and hands.
I motioned for him to sit down.
“Hello, I’d like to report an HR violation,” the guy said. I didn’t ask his name because I had already won HR.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Is there something I forgot to cover in the handbook?”
“No, it’s in the handbook. My team member Geoff took a lunch break twice as long as what is allowed in the handbook.”
“But it’s in the handbook,” I said. “Why didn’t Geoff just follow the rules?”
“I don’t know, but he missed a presentation. So I wanted to report it. It didn’t say in the handbook where I should do that.” The guy left.
I was incredulous. Do people just break the rules? Why would they do that? I called a friend in HR, who laughed at me. “You’re not just the rulebook writer. You’re also the referee.”
Oh no, I had given myself another referee job. I’d already been a basketball referee.
I decided to keep eating wings. A few minutes later, my friend—I guess he was my boss—called.
“Oliver, get down here. Someone has shredded the handbook and left pieces all over my desk.”
“Wow,” I said, “I’m sorry for you. Do you want me to clean it up?”
“I want you to investigate this destruction of property. I need you to do your job.”
“I did. I wrote the handbook.”
“But that’s just step one!” the friend said.
We went back and forth for a few minutes, and my friend realized I was not cut out for this job long after I knew that was the case. Still, it’s a glorious handbook. I’m hoping the next HR person appreciates it.