Do you ever wish you could tune into someone every night and hear them tell you what’s happening in the world and how everything will be okay? I decided this might be the job for me. The job used to exist—nightly network news anchor.
There was this one guy—I think he was Walt Disney’s brother—who was really good at doing this. He started and ended wars, performed musical numbers and made everyone feel great. I was going to follow in his footsteps, so I went to New York and walked into one of the network news buildings.
“I’m here for the anchor job,” I said to the guys at the security desk. They buzzed me up and pointed me to the 18th floor.
I wandered to the 18th floor and said to the receptionist. “I’m here for the anchor job.”
“Oh, that’s going to be the big office at the end of the hall,” the receptionist said. “That’s what you’re going to wear?”
I looked at my clothes. I was in jeans and a hoodie, which I often wore. “This is my uniform. Why, what does everyone else wear?”
“Suits,” the receptionist said. “Everyone, including the children anchors and the dog anchors, wear suits.”
“That’s rather insecure of them,” I said and walked down the end of the hall. The door had the name of someone who sounded vaguely important, and I knocked before immediately being invited in.
The important man seemed surprised to see me. We’ll call him Walt, too, because I can’t remember his name. Walt shook my hand as I introduced myself as Oliver D. Place.
“Oliver,” Walt said, shuffling papers around on his important-looking desk. “I don’t think I got your reel, so do you have a copy?”
“What’s a reel?” I asked, lounging back in my chair.
“You know, clips of your previous news experience.”
“Oh, I don’t have any,” Oliver said. “That’s why I came here.”
“You weren’t invited?” Walt asked. “I guess I lost track. I’m doing so many of these.”
“No, I just thought I’d try it. Listen, here’s my news anchor voice,” I said, lowering my voice slightly. “Good evening, and I hope you had a good day. My name is Oliver D. Place. The news happened again, and we’re here to report on all of it.”
Walt looked at me strangely, “Is this a prank? Are you an actor?”
“No, I’m a recent blogger searching for his purpose in life.”
Walt looked at me for a long time, a mix of shock and perhaps pity. Then, he pulled a paper off his desk.
“Listen, kid, you don’t start in New York. Here’s a job opening in Glendive, Montana. I’ll give them a call about you.”
“How long do I have to stay in Glendive?” I asked.
“A couple of years.”
“I have to wait a couple of years for this job?”
“You won’t come here next. It will be Glendive, maybe San Antonio, Dallas, Washington D.C., then New York as a news reader, and then maybe you’ll get to be the network anchor. You only get the network anchor position. If you’re the best.”
“The best? I just want to be okay at it.”
Walt looked at me, stunned again for a minute. He then pressed a red button on his desk that called security.