Jimmy, owner of the Finch Golf Club, was once again trying to find someone to adopt Hole 12. This time, a man named Pastel was thinking about putting an outdoor spa along the side of the course.
“The nice thing about this hole being the spa is that it’s kind of secluded,” Jimmy said. “People actually miss this hole sometimes when playing the course.”
“What about the noise from the other holes?” Pastel asked.
Jimmy was trying to find a nice way to say that the hole was right next to a radio station and a haunted house when minor social media influencer and Hole 2 adopter, Max Megaphone, came racing up in his golf cart. Max had his cameraman with him.
“Jimmy, there you are,” Max yelled. He looked into his camera as he spoke. “There’s an emergency over at Hole 8.”
“A real emergency? Because I’m in the middle of something,” Jimmy motioned to his guest.
“I’ll come with you,” Pastel said. He got in the golf cart, and Jimmy followed. Max Megaphone started interviewing Pastel for his channel and was excited to hear about the possible spa. Max asked if it could be an extreme spa.
Hole 8 was a strange place. The site hosted TV shows. They hosted game shows there during the summer. There was a weird golf soap opera filmed on the hole, and there was a show called Golf Court.
Jimmy saw a massive crowd over at Golf Court. It was a TV court drama overseen by Judge Mulligan, and people brought golf disputes, other sports-related disputes, and assorted petty arguments to the judge.
Jimmy got out of the cart and walked over. Everyone seemed to be there—the beekeepers, Nicktor and performers from the Haunted House. The Alternate History Museum and the Decorating Committee had representatives.
As Jimmy walked into the assembled courtroom, he heard DJ Bogey from KHLE 91.3 say, “And now Jimmy, owner of the Finch Golf Club, has arrived. The trial may begin.”
“All Rise,” the TV bailiff yelled. Judge Mulligan walked from behind the set towards his bench.
“Jimmy, go to the table,” Marty, from the decorating committee, said. He motioned to the defense table at the front of the courtroom, where Pat, the scuba instructor and Mikey, the golf coach, sat.
Jimmy walked towards the table and stood. He saw Club 17 members were sitting at the plaintiff’s table, sneering. Jimmy had recently banned the group from the course because they had treated the hole they adopted like a full-time frat party.
“You’re going down,” Bryson, their ringleader, whispered to Jimmy. “Four of us are lawyers, and none of us even drank today.”
Jimmy, in a daze, sat down next to Pat and Mikey. “Are either of you lawyers?”
“No,” Pat said, “But this is TV court.”
Judge Mulligan spoke. “Today we’re here for the trial of Jimmy Finch, owner of the Finch Golf Club. He is accused of overreaching his power as the proprietor of the golf club where we are currently broadcasting this show. The plaintiffs may make their opening statement.”
Jimmy watched as Bryson got up to deliver his opening statement. “People of the courtroom, Judge Mulligan, live TV and Radio Audience, Max Megaphone. We are here today to prove that Jimmy has overstepped his duties in running this golf course. Not only did he ban a group of upstanding restaurateurs, but he also limited his tenants’ ability to redecorate, stopped astrologists from practicing freely, and helped lead to the extinction of bees. Through this trial, we will prove that Jimmy is unfit to make these decisions.”
Bryson sat down, and Judge Mulligan spoke. “Jimmy, you may give your opening statement.”
Jimmy got up and looked at the assembled crowd, made up mostly of people he had put up with for the last couple of years, despite their quirks. The result was that the golf course had descended into chaos. He did all of this so he didn’t have to mow fairways? What was he thinking?
“Hi, everyone,” Jimmy said. “I think I need to remind everyone that I own this golf course. I allowed you to adopt holes so that you could be caretakers of this course with me.”
Jimmy paused. He did not have to do a trial.
“I’m going for a walk. I may end golf hole adoption. I may evict everyone—including this court. I’ll meet all of you at the clubhouse at the end of the day and inform you of my decision.”
Jimmy walked through the assembled court. He realized that he did not have his golf cart. Instead of heading back up from Hole 8, he decided to walk the back nine and think. The courtroom behind him was silent.
The Finch Golf Club is part of a series, you can read other entries here.