The courtroom waited for the closing argument from the healthcare company defending a class-action suit from customers accusing them of being vampires sucking away their customers’ health. The plaintiffs had even hired a vampire to sit with their lawyers as a way to taunt the company—he looked over at the lawyers for the defense and smiled, showing his fangs as the defense strategized.
“So, I stole the remote control to the windows on the side of the wall,” Marvin, the junior attorney for the healthcare company, told his boss. “So when you say that the class action suit is just a game of smoke and mirrors, I will hit the switch to let the sun flood the courtroom.”
“Great, we’re going to expose them for the frauds that they are and persuade the jury in our favor,” Wallace, the lead attorney, said.
Wallace glanced briefly at his opponents and tried to not linger on the vampire. The vampire, named Jason, was hard to ignore. He wore a black cape with red trim on the collar that came up around his neck. He was extremely pale and moved in a sinister way.
Wallace stood up in front of the jury and began to speak, “Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. The plaintiffs in this case are running a game of smoke and mirrors.”
At that moment, Marvin hit the button on the remote. The windows began to rise, and everyone looked around, confused. The sun streamed through and hit the lawyers’ tables. The lawyers held a hand up to their eyes.
“You see…” Wallace said, pointing at the plaintiffs’ lawyers, but Jason the Vampire was still sitting there. He was not smoking. He had not turned into a bat and flown away.
“Excuse me,” the judge said as Wallace stared at Jason. “What were you saying?”
“It’s just that I’m confused,” Wallace said, and he turned to Jason. “I thought you were a vampire.”
“I am a vampire,” Jason said. “I’m a vampire stand-in. So I still have all of my human traits, but the Vampire League designates me as a vampire for special appearances and crucial vampire duties.”
“So you can see your reflection in the mirror?” Marvin asked from the defense table.
“Yes, and a wooden stake harms me as much as it does you. It won’t kill me, but it still hurts.”
“So you’re not a bloodsucker?”
“Not any more than any other lawyer,” Jason said, to a few laughs from the jury. “Actually, vampires don’t do that anyway.”
The plaintiff’s lead lawyer stood up. “Your honor, can we get back on track here. Instead of trying to expose my vampire colleague, maybe the defense could finish their closing argument about how they are not sucking the life out of our clients?”
“Agreed,” the judge said, “Please continue.”
Marvin and Wallace looked at each other. The rest of the closing argument centered on Jason being a genuine vampire, not a stand-in.
Jason whispered loudly to his colleagues. “It appears the defense has lost its fangs.”