The Following excerpts are transcripts from reports by The Jungles Whit Jenkins, live at the Middlebridge Mall.
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Whit Jenkins, here at the Middlebridge mall, where we’ve gotten reports that feral hogs have been released and are running loose through the stores, causing chaos. People are running everywhere, screaming. We’re set up at a precarious position on the second floor of the mall next to a glass barrier. We’re getting reports that it’s 8-10 feral hogs. They appear to be somewhat organized and are going from store to store on a path of destruction.
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Whit Jenkins here at the mall. We just talked to several eyewitnesses. The hogs are causing terror at the mall. There’s nothing left of Hot Topic. Now we’re also getting reports of looting taking place at the Orange Julius in the food court.
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Hi, Whit Jenkins, at the mall infested by hogs. We have moved the camera and have a clear vantage point of the Orange Julius. Honestly, there’s not as much chaos as I would expect from a bunch of pigs running around. We’ll be back with a full report.
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Hey, Whit here for The Jungle. The Orange Julius is fine. We have no verifiable pictures of damage or injuries from the hog-infested mall. I’m starting to think we came to air too quickly. We’ll be back.
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Hey, I just talked to a police officer. It turns out there was one single cat loose in the mall. The cat actually lives at the Hallmark Store and got out of the store. So all of our previous reporting can be thrown out the window. The cat is back in the Hallmark Store. No damage was reported. I’m going to eat some barbecue. This is Whit Jenkins, for The Jungle, signing off.