Luke waited anxiously for his friend Arthur to appear at the coffee shop. Every year, his friend would turn into a completely different person at the beginning of the year, and then spend the whole year slowly reverting to his previous self.
One January, Arthur showed up at a bar dressed like a matador, cape and all. He developed a Spanish accent and captivated a crowd by discussing his moments facing off with a bull. When no bull could be found. Arthur faced off against a Ford Taurus and a slightly inebriated driver in the bar parking lot. Both the fighter and the Taurus survived.
A few months later, Arthur insisted on having no memory of the bull-fighting incident. From Luke’s vantage point, Arthur did not appear to be on drugs at the time.
Another January, Arthur “became” a famous painter who insisted that he had works displayed at galleries all over the city. When Arthur and Luke arrived at one of these galleries and were refused entry, Arthur shouted from the curb. The result was that the gallery owner threw a tomato at Arthur, which hit Luke instead.
Would Arthur appear at the coffee shop dressed as a chef? Would he walk in, escorting a llama? Would he insist on being called Chief?
The only meaningful answer Luke ever got about his friend’s behavior was a long monologue Arthur delivered when his friend was a poet. “Each new year is a chance to entirely reinvent yourself. The calendar allows you to say, ’That was me last year, and this is me this year. In order to have a more exciting life, in the midst of chaos, who wouldn’t resolve to make such a change?’”
Listening to Arthur’s attempt at poetry made Luke resolve to be very selective in reading poetry in the future.
Arthur walked into the coffee shop, and Luke groaned. Arthur wore a full pirate outfit, with a puffy shirt, a vest and a hat.
“Ahoy,” Arthur said, smiling as he sat down.
“What is this?” Luke asked. “Are you in a stage show? Are you working at a seafood restaurant? Are you about to rob a ship?”
“No, you just claim that every year I adopt a whole new personality. This year, I decided to be a pirate. I’m just messing with you.”
“So, no big changes this year?” I asked.
“Well,” Arthur contemplated, “I think in the new year I’m going to tell everyone that my hometown is Lexington, Kentucky.”
“Oh no,” Luke groaned. “Will this include a new accent?”
Arthur said, with a southern accent. “Now, what do you mean by an accent? This is just how I talk.”