Oliver is on a mission to figure out what he wants to do with his life. He is trying various career options and then reporting back on what he finds. He recounts his experience as a children’s basketball referee.
Let me start by saying eight-year-olds are bad at basketball. Even in my first game as a referee, I was a better referee than these children were basketball players. I asked one kid how long he’d played, and he said five years. He’d been playing basketball for more than half his life and couldn’t make a basket. If I refereed for half my life, I could win medals for being the best ref at the Olympics.
Another observation: parents will clap for anything their kids do. Timmy throws the ball out of bounds. “Good effort, Timmy,” his mom yells, while clapping like crazy. However, when I decided to give the people what they wanted and throw down a dunk on an eight-foot rim, the crowd stayed silent and stared at me. I didn’t receive a single clap.
I worked to be a stickler for the rules, but that meant we stopped the game every five seconds. These eight-year-olds constantly double-dribbled, stepped out of bounds, and committed three-second violations. Because of all the whistleblowing, I used prescription Chapstick at halftime.
For those who think they might want to ref, you need to practice running up and down the court for a few weeks before your first game. I had to ask one of the eight-year-olds to share her Gatorade at an official’s timeout that I called because I was winded.
Finally, sticking to your principles is hard with eight-year-olds. One girl thought she was fouled and ended up on the floor. I didn’t see a foul. Her Dad later claimed that I was looking at my phone at the time, which may have been true, but I was also watching the play.
So the eight-year-old girl got off the ground, ran over to me, and started yelling, ”Foul!”
I motioned for her to play on, and she yelled, “You’re a bunny rabbit!”
Now, I can control my temper, but I am not going to let someone call me a bunny rabbit. I blew my whistle and signaled two technical fouls, which ended the game for the girl.
Ten minutes later, after the head of the basketball league came over and the parents nitpicked my performance, I was asked to leave the gym.
Being a ref is a great job for someone who doesn’t want to stick to the principles of the great game of basketball. You must be prepared to appease parents and make kids feel good about themselves. I found very little purpose in the whole affair, although I did dunk on an eight-foot hoop.